By Dabi Lolomari

In recent times, we have been flooded with story after story of failed marriages on the Nigerian online social media scene. Where our parents and forefathers probably quietly endured theirs, or just appear to have been more realistic in their approach to their marriages, thereby making it a lifetime experience for the vast majority of them; our generation and the younger ones are coming out to publicly announce their breakups as well as the list of the alleged causes of said breakups with receipts to follow. From screenshots of private WhatsApp conversations to secretly recorded phone calls we, the online public, are not only given full access to their private lives, but we also have the option of being active participants, whether by way of online or offline comments.

One particular case that stood out to me recently, involved the case of a broken engagement of a celebrity couple. The case centred around allegations of homosexuality of one of the parties – amongst others. This is what is known as a ‘bearded relationship’. A bearded relationship is a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner or spouse to conceal one’s sexual orientation. The story came with copious receipts of various natures: recorded phone calls, screenshot conversations and others. Whilst I have come across several whispered stories of bearded relationships in Nigeria, this is the first time I actually come across one with so much information in our public sphere.

Similarly, not too long ago, another celebrity couple’s divorce papers were published online with a case of allegation of the husband impregnating the house help. No need to look too far away from my daily life: I can easily count four people who personally told me that they either bugged their partner’s phone or found out that their phone had been bugged by a wife, partner or someone they were dating.

So what exactly is going on here?

 Whilst the aim of this article is not to discuss or qualify the moral validity of the aforementioned behaviours which appear to be some of the causes of the breakdown of marriage in our society; it is critical, both for the sake of historical factual accuracy and for the objectivity of reasoning, to mention that most of these human behaviours are not news. In fact, some of these behaviours were enlisted in the ten commandments which were written during that period of history that is simply labelled as ‘before Christ’. Also, a quick google search would bring up several historically backed sources and references that indicate that homosexual behaviours and individuals were present in different African tribes prior to the advent of Western education. In fact, there are words that describe homosexual behaviours or persons in various African dialects, and as we know, what does not exist cannot be named. Furthermore, if you are lucky enough to have an elderly person close to you who is willing to recount their life experiences, you may be surprised, like me, to hear stories about couples who engaged in swinging even as far back as the 1970s in Nigerian cities; as well as cases of first sons attributed to the wrong man (what is now known as paternity fraud). So clearly, there is nothing new under the African sun here.

Having established this, it is fair to say that behaviours that may be labelled as bad, questionable or sinful by some or many people are not strictly a product of the 21st century. Therefore, what is actually peculiar to our times, if you ask me, is the fact that it is more difficult for the modern man or woman to get away with some things due to the advent of modern technology.

 On the other hand, ours is still a society that places a high value on family and the institution of marriage and many in our society would agree that these are still great values to uphold (and research also shows that children in two-parent households do fare better in life). Yet, the institution of marriage is now facing several serious challenges amongst which we can enlist the advent of modern technology. Things like DNA testing, phone and car tracking devices and several other forms of technology now make it easier to fish and find out the truth. Technology appears to have blown open, what once used to be, the pandora box of marriage! Like an elderly aunty once advised me: marriage is to be carried on your back, not your forehead, which means that one should not be overly critical and analytical of their spouse and their relationship in order for it to survive our shortcomings. But isn’t it hard NOT to carry it on your forehead when it is so easy to dig up incriminating information?

About the Author

An Interior Designer, Lawyer, Teaching Consultant and Journalist/writer, Dabi Lolomari is a CIAPS graduate of Media and Communications. She can be reached on IG: daby_dabz